Monday, September 26, 2005

Caffeinoglobin

I thoroughly believe that in all honesty, blood is irrelevant. A wise philosopher of the common man, Al Bundy, once said that all you really need to do is keep the brain wet. Well Mr. Bundy, you sir were correct. As I am typing this I am continuing a process by which all my blood cells are being replaced by coffee. Thusly, all I need to keep track of in life now is my CAFFEINO-GLOBIN count...or what keeps me awake and conscious. Remember, the brain only needs to be wet to survive...It needs to be awake for one to be functional!

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FOLGERS COFFEE
10 Strung-Out Lane
Filter, NY

Friday, September 23, 2005

ROUND TWO

Well it is indeed true… All Good Things Must Come to an End… but did we ever think Texas? I was reared (read punished) on classic movies, many of them westerns (sadly what happens when your mother controls the remote for the only TV in the house with cable). Never in any of those movies did they ever touch down on the idea of Texas as being anything other than Zion, and Texas History as the Gospel of Jesus Christ according to Sam Houston. Now, I just sit and think… our patient has but 24 hours to live, is there not therapy to save this promised land of the cowboy?

Nope! DON’T MESS WITH TEXAS! Apparently Mother Nature didn’t get that memo downloaded onto her Blackberry, and her gigolo Father Time is calling in Texas’ account past due. But what does this mean you all ask? Frankly, Texas is about to get “PIPED” without so much as dinner and a movie. It will be a swift but furious romance. Rita will show up, angry and pissed at Tex’s doorstep. Tex will plead and beg and say “Baby, please, she meant nothing to me.” But Rita is past pleading and past forgiving. In the end Tex is gonna get a lot more than his hat and sox blown away. Well, they say Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned… except maybe a fantastic frickin’ category five hurricane (170 mph winds). If any of you all need the ‘Hoss; you can find him down at the Galveston shoreline… I will be the one flying the kite, y’all.

FISH & COWORKERS

The incredible and legendary American, Benjamin Franklin, said that:
“Fish and Visitors stink after three days!”
I shudder to think what Mr. Franklin would have written about the modern co-worker. In our travails we all stumble across the one co-worker that we thoroughly question:

Is he nuts?
How can he see that?
Did he really wear that?
Is he allergic to deodorant?

Well Mr. Franklin; I have one for the Almanac. I have asked myself all these questions, and all I can reasonably answer is : Don’t we screen these people? This co-worker has to be the slowest least perceptive person on the earth (with a Masters Degree). He will sit down at the lunch table and promptly alienate himself by brusquely and obliviously insulting his lunch mates beliefs or professions.
This is to say nothing of his eating habits, many of which involve the swift and grotesquely efficient manner of almost turning a plate of food into a dog bowl. A fork is a tool of some refinement, not the scoop on a short-armed front end loader. It is always a running competition whether or not more food will find its way glued around his mouth, or in his mouth.
Everything, everything is subject to complaint after 3 days. If it isn’t how one thing is run than it is another; from study halls to mandating an afternoon activity/sport; then it is sit-down dinners and chapel services.
The question at hand is : Do we train him up? Educate him to his boorishness and thus help him and ourselves…. Or is it ostracism and vengeance. I for one know not what course others may take; but as for me give me a new co-worker ‘cause I am plotting his death… who knows maybe he will choke on a Taco Salad? …(thank you Mama Cass)

Friday, September 16, 2005

Let the HEALING BEGIN!

Will someone please pass the 'Hoss a shovel???
The 'Hoss needs to dig his-self out fast.

I swear to god these days it is like Billy Joel's We Didn't Start the Fire

...........Gas prices insane
Giant Flooding Hurricanes
Citizens taking up arms
Just to get their evians.......

We didn't start the fire.......

In the words of Harry Truman, " BULLSHIT"

Well those are just some thoughts for today. For any of you thinking about seeing Venice? I say wait, hold on: I have tickets to New Orleans, CHEAP.... BIG DEAL BIG STEAL!!!!!!

ps: you might want to remember your malaria pills, and dengue fever shots....otherwise your vacation to the big easy will be extra memorable!

Thursday, February 24, 2005

ARIZONA HIGHWAYS??

Well there is this semi-famous magazine called Arizona Highways. This fine periodical contains an impressive segway of nature, society, humor, current events etc of topics that are Arizona related. What they don't discuss too often is weather. However, anyone who has seen the weather report any time it rains knows that many of the major waterways have jumped their banks this winter. This has caused wide-spread flooding around Oak Creek, the Verde River, etc etc. After watching many a car, house, person, and pet float down these river/flood/deluges; it is my humble opinion that the magazine change its name to ARIZONA CANALS. Well, atleast until the raining stops for awhile, and Arizona returns to its normal arid xerascape climate.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

NBC is Not just a TV Network

For those of you not in the know....NBC also stands for Nuclear, Biological, Chemical. I am writing this update because I work at a secluded lab in the central Arizona Desert. Here, at this labratory, subjects are utilized to cross-breed bacterial and viral strains to make ultra-sicknesses. Case in point, I have been distinctly and differently sick 3 times in 5 weeks. Why you ask? Because I work with Children; they are the most effective means of Germ warfare. Basically, in summation. The children give me Biological....so then I take Chemical....which leaves me feeling NUCLEAR..... Parents, I swear to GOD if you have children; lock them up. The next child I see coughing, sneezing or sniffling; I am gonna throw them down a flight of stairs. Even if I have to drive all over Arizona to find ONE DAMNED BUILDING taller than one-story.

Monday, January 31, 2005

Something old, something new

I'm tired of seeing "Riblets" at the top of this page. It's not that I have much to say, other than the fact that when I'm bored and missing you that I come over here to see if you've posted anything, you never have, and there is only that vaguely nausea-inducing discussion. ::Sigh::

Monday, January 17, 2005

Riblets

Well, the other evening the cafeteria was serving Riblets...That was a no brainer. I journeyed to the Truckers Bar in the two horse town down the road. Why? Because Trucker Chow kicks the tar out of Riblets. You know how, if you take a huge lump of coal, and exert immense pressure; it becomes a diamond. Well Riblets are essentially made the same way. They take the totally undesirable pig parts, exert tremendous pressure (and a little red dye #40 and barbecue sauce) and WHAMMY!!!!! You got yourself there a riblet. They call the manufactured diamonds "Industrial" Diamonds. I am not sure I want "industrial pork"....well that is something to think about. In the mean time, pass the bacon.

For more information about Pork: www.usda.gov
Tracy's coming on Friday . . . :) Tracy's coming on Friday . . . :) Tracy's coming on Friday . . . :)

Was I supposed to post that to my personal journal, or is it OK for me to break the editorial wall here? Because it's what I'm thinking about :) :) :)