The Hoss Report

Caffeinoglobin

2005-09-26T10:53:00.000-07:00

I thoroughly believe that in all honesty, blood is irrelevant. A wise philosopher of the common man, Al Bundy, once said that all you really need to do is keep the brain wet. Well Mr. Bundy, you sir were correct. As I am typing this I am continuing a process by which all my blood cells are being replaced by coffee. Thusly, all I need to keep track of in life now is my CAFFEINO-GLOBIN count...or what keeps me awake and conscious. Remember, the brain only needs to be wet to survive...It needs to be awake for one to be functional!

Please Send all comments to:
FOLGERS COFFEE
10 Strung-Out Lane
Filter, NY

ROUND TWO

2005-09-23T10:38:00.000-07:00

Well it is indeed true… All Good Things Must Come to an End… but did we ever think Texas? I was reared (read punished) on classic movies, many of them westerns (sadly what happens when your mother controls the remote for the only TV in the house with cable). Never in any of those movies did they ever touch down on the idea of Texas as being anything other than Zion, and Texas History as the Gospel of Jesus Christ according to Sam Houston. Now, I just sit and think… our patient has but 24 hours to live, is there not therapy to save this promised land of the cowboy?

Nope! DON’T MESS WITH TEXAS! Apparently Mother Nature didn’t get that memo downloaded onto her Blackberry, and her gigolo Father Time is calling in Texas’ account past due. But what does this mean you all ask? Frankly, Texas is about to get “PIPED” without so much as dinner and a movie. It will be a swift but furious romance. Rita will show up, angry and pissed at Tex’s doorstep. Tex will plead and beg and say “Baby, please, she meant nothing to me.” But Rita is past pleading and past forgiving. In the end Tex is gonna get a lot more than his hat and sox blown away. Well, they say Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned… except maybe a fantastic frickin’ category five hurricane (170 mph winds). If any of you all need the ‘Hoss; you can find him down at the Galveston shoreline… I will be the one flying the kite, y’all.

FISH & COWORKERS

2005-09-23T10:34:00.000-07:00

The incredible and legendary American, Benjamin Franklin, said that:
“Fish and Visitors stink after three days!”
I shudder to think what Mr. Franklin would have written about the modern co-worker. In our travails we all stumble across the one co-worker that we thoroughly question:

Is he nuts?
How can he see that?
Did he really wear that?
Is he allergic to deodorant?

Well Mr. Franklin; I have one for the Almanac. I have asked myself all these questions, and all I can reasonably answer is : Don’t we screen these people? This co-worker has to be the slowest least perceptive person on the earth (with a Masters Degree). He will sit down at the lunch table and promptly alienate himself by brusquely and obliviously insulting his lunch mates beliefs or professions.
This is to say nothing of his eating habits, many of which involve the swift and grotesquely efficient manner of almost turning a plate of food into a dog bowl. A fork is a tool of some refinement, not the scoop on a short-armed front end loader. It is always a running competition whether or not more food will find its way glued around his mouth, or in his mouth.
Everything, everything is subject to complaint after 3 days. If it isn’t how one thing is run than it is another; from study halls to mandating an afternoon activity/sport; then it is sit-down dinners and chapel services.
The question at hand is : Do we train him up? Educate him to his boorishness and thus help him and ourselves…. Or is it ostracism and vengeance. I for one know not what course others may take; but as for me give me a new co-worker ‘cause I am plotting his death… who knows maybe he will choke on a Taco Salad? …(thank you Mama Cass)

Let the HEALING BEGIN!

2005-09-16T11:19:00.000-07:00

Will someone please pass the 'Hoss a shovel???
The 'Hoss needs to dig his-self out fast.

I swear to god these days it is like Billy Joel's We Didn't Start the Fire

...........Gas prices insane
Giant Flooding Hurricanes
Citizens taking up arms
Just to get their evians.......

We didn't start the fire.......

In the words of Harry Truman, " BULLSHIT"

Well those are just some thoughts for today. For any of you thinking about seeing Venice? I say wait, hold on: I have tickets to New Orleans, CHEAP.... BIG DEAL BIG STEAL!!!!!!

ps: you might want to remember your malaria pills, and dengue fever shots....otherwise your vacation to the big easy will be extra memorable!

ARIZONA HIGHWAYS??

2005-02-24T17:36:00.000-08:00

Well there is this semi-famous magazine called Arizona Highways. This fine periodical contains an impressive segway of nature, society, humor, current events etc of topics that are Arizona related. What they don't discuss too often is weather. However, anyone who has seen the weather report any time it rains knows that many of the major waterways have jumped their banks this winter. This has caused wide-spread flooding around Oak Creek, the Verde River, etc etc. After watching many a car, house, person, and pet float down these river/flood/deluges; it is my humble opinion that the magazine change its name to ARIZONA CANALS. Well, atleast until the raining stops for awhile, and Arizona returns to its normal arid xerascape climate.

NBC is Not just a TV Network

2005-02-06T16:33:00.000-08:00

For those of you not in the know....NBC also stands for Nuclear, Biological, Chemical. I am writing this update because I work at a secluded lab in the central Arizona Desert. Here, at this labratory, subjects are utilized to cross-breed bacterial and viral strains to make ultra-sicknesses. Case in point, I have been distinctly and differently sick 3 times in 5 weeks. Why you ask? Because I work with Children; they are the most effective means of Germ warfare. Basically, in summation. The children give me Biological....so then I take Chemical....which leaves me feeling NUCLEAR..... Parents, I swear to GOD if you have children; lock them up. The next child I see coughing, sneezing or sniffling; I am gonna throw them down a flight of stairs. Even if I have to drive all over Arizona to find ONE DAMNED BUILDING taller than one-story.

Something old, something new

2005-01-31T15:25:00.000-08:00

I'm tired of seeing "Riblets" at the top of this page. It's not that I have much to say, other than the fact that when I'm bored and missing you that I come over here to see if you've posted anything, you never have, and there is only that vaguely nausea-inducing discussion. ::Sigh::

Riblets

2005-01-17T13:48:00.000-08:00

Well, the other evening the cafeteria was serving Riblets...That was a no brainer. I journeyed to the Truckers Bar in the two horse town down the road. Why? Because Trucker Chow kicks the tar out of Riblets. You know how, if you take a huge lump of coal, and exert immense pressure; it becomes a diamond. Well Riblets are essentially made the same way. They take the totally undesirable pig parts, exert tremendous pressure (and a little red dye #40 and barbecue sauce) and WHAMMY!!!!! You got yourself there a riblet. They call the manufactured diamonds "Industrial" Diamonds. I am not sure I want "industrial pork"....well that is something to think about. In the mean time, pass the bacon.

For more information about Pork: www.usda.gov

2005-01-17T01:56:00.000-08:00

Tracy's coming on Friday . . . :) Tracy's coming on Friday . . . :) Tracy's coming on Friday . . . :)

Was I supposed to post that to my personal journal, or is it OK for me to break the editorial wall here? Because it's what I'm thinking about :) :) :)

California Government

2005-01-12T09:18:00.000-08:00

Upon reading "Queen of Wishful Thinking" post I realized that while the California State House was having the ice cream social....California is washing away in Rain and Mud. Funny, 10 people die in La Conchita from a mudslide. How does the state house honor, respect, and ultimately deal with these poor souls' passing? By listening to the cheap Cornell rip-off of the Whiffen Poofs.

Nothing like a little Barber Shop acapella while your state slides into the ocean.
Nero atleast fiddled as Rome burned.

Semper Fi...except for Indonesia

2005-01-12T09:07:00.000-08:00

Well, after talks, Indonesia has decided to reduce the amount of aid they want from the US Marines. Indonesia is a proud nation, and they dont like having other militaries operating in their space. Now I can understand any nation being a bit concerned with having several thousand Marines rouming its countryside. The Corps has a substantial reputation for war-fighting. However, Indonesia has said no guns, or weapons... just food. They also want to scale back the Marines involvement. One would think at a time like this; Indonesia would want all the help it could get, as fast as it could get it. I guess the adage is wrong; I guess you can look a gift horse in the mouth.

The Queen of Wishful Thinking?

2005-01-11T19:28:00.000-08:00

I don't know about all that which Tracy has been writing, since I'm not in the desert with the sandworms like he is, but I DO know that I'm starting to lose some of my bright-eyed, bushy-tailed idealism in the way things are run in the capitol of California. I'm currently interning with one of our State Senators (the one who may be running for Matsui's spot in the March special election), and I'm just starting to see how things get done (or, in many cases, don't) around here.

Case in point: I attended yesterday afternoon's Senate session, which I thought was going to be interesting because there are some major issues coming up, like say, I don't know, the Governor issuing the budget proposal. You'd think that maybe they'd want to start talking about that, or several of the issues concerning it. Instead, they had, in this order: the Cornell a capella glee club singing the national anthem, a gospel song, and their alma mater; an announcement that a Senator's mother had just had her 76th birthday; a promise for Chris Webber to speak at one of the legislative meetings; two Crocker Art Gallery curators speaking about the current exhibits; a single vote on a resolution to recognize Martin Luther King, Jr.'s birthday on the actual date, as well as on the Monday holiday. Not to say that these things are entirely unneccessary, but they are the ONLY THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN THE ENTIRE SESSION. No substantive policy came under discussion, much less a vote. Yet here we are in the second week of the legislative calendar.

Oh yeah, as a backdrop to all of these general announcements, were the Senators respectfully listening, seated quietly at their desks? Hardly. Even as the guest speakers took the floor, the legislators wandered about the room from person to person, having conversations, greeting their friends, obviously not paying the slightest attention to their constituents who had come to discuss subjects near to their hearts. While the agenda was surprisingly reminiscent of the sorts of (non)issues brought up at the ASUCD meetings, the surroundings reminded me mainly of the behaviorally-challenged students in the high school I interned with a couple years ago, the primary difference being the dress code.

So, yes. I'm a bit disappointed to see that this is apparently the rule, rather than the exception, to the government's workings. I understand that most of the billmaking process happens in closed offices and over lunches, but I still naively expected more professionalism from our elected representatives. If they can act like that at their most public moments, I don't see why I can't, at the very least, wear jeans and tennis shoes to work every day.

Tsunami Charity

2005-01-11T10:06:00.000-08:00

It was mentioned to me today by a co-worker, that she was concerned about giving money to charity for the Tsunami for fears that some of it/most of it would get siphoned off before it got to the truly needy. I agreed with her on that point. Then I mentioned that I gave some money to the Red Cross/ Red Crescent. I said that some of my money would get siphoned but not be greedy scumbags. The Red Cross is an old, long standing, set up institution that must provide for its continuation. Despite this, because it is established and respected, you know that the 80-85% of your money that is spent on the charity goes to put "boots on the ground" and get the job done. However, for all you really nervous nellys out there; I recommend a donation to the Red Crescent. It is the Muslim side of the "Red Cross." One of the Pillars (key principles) of Islam is charity. For them it is a requirement not a suggestion. So you can be sure that the money you give to them (the 80-85% that they are gonna spend on help not the organization) wont be embezzled or stolen.

Reason one: stealing from a charity is low, and scuzzy in a Christian society....but heinous and reprehensible in a Muslim one.

Reason two: they cut peoples hands off for stealing in most Muslim countries... They cut peoples HEADS OFF for stealing from charities.

Now my friends, that is financial assurance, because sometimes "Turn the other cheek" just doesn't quite say it.

*see post title for link to Red Cross/Red Crescent donation site.

Lions and Tigers and Bears Oh My!... Well maybe Just Lions

2005-01-11T09:54:00.000-08:00

Well, we are having nature problems. In between the American Tsunami (the rain hammering the American West/Southwest) and the snow in the mountain regions; my place of employment has been beset by a Mountain Lion and her cub. This is not so great. Mountain Lions are supposed to be timid of technology, and civilization and people. We tried throwing our old Apple IIe's at the beast...but it just laughed and fed them to its cub. We threw the finest trappings of our civilization at it; but I failed to see how a Gucci purse would intimidate a Mountain Lion. Finally we threw the twins: Decoy & Fodder to the old girl, she just ate them. She hasn't left yet. I am of the opinion that as long as I live if I never had to play with a Mountain Lion I would die a happy man. So, the when the Mountain Lion crosses my path, maybe I will introduce him what we Americans hold truly dear....Mr Colt .45 either she will be dead or so drunk she wont eat me. Of course......we could always play Liza Minelli albums all night, that might drive it out. No animal deserves that punishment.

Please Send morals/ethics questions to RFamily106@aol.com
Complaints can be routed to www.aspca.org

Airports, Coca Cola, and Azuchi-Momoyama Japan

2005-01-07T17:32:00.000-08:00

Well I went to the airport today to pick up two people. All told it was an incredibly amusing time. I picked up two Japanese students. They arrived about an hour apart so I had time to sit and talk with one of them for 45 minutes before I had to pick up the other. It all got started with a discussion of the "coolness" of Japanese names (example: Takeda Shingen being much cooler than say, Bill Howard). Eventually I mentioned that I had studied a good deal of Japanese history in high school and college. So as it happened we discussed the Azuchi-Momoyama period, the Sengoku Judai era, and Tokugawa Japan. It was ridiculously funny as we made fun of the incredible names of the times like Toyotomi Hideyoshi, and Ota Nobunaga and such. The end result of all this hilarity was that I achieved a Japanese title. When it was translated to me it made perfect sense. So here it is; I give it to you:

Japanese = 嵐の海洋の戦士
Roman Lettering = o-haran-shen kenshi
English = stormy ocean warrior

Incredibly poetic don't you think? Alas I must take my ken and lay waste to a village of unappreciative chonin for their precious koku in a manner reminiscient of Genghis Khan (thats right...up yours JK)

Going to SNOW

2005-01-07T09:46:00.000-08:00

It is going to Snow....In Arizona....yes, SNOW in the Desert. This is not quite a rarity at 4000 feet elevation, but still a pain in the ass. Why you ask? Because, you can't sled on an inch of snow covering frozen solid caleche sand. Anywho in the spirit of the Snow, I give you snow haiku:

Floating softly, white
Too Cold for fun or for sun
White ice, I hate you!

The RAPTURE??

2005-01-03T20:38:00.000-08:00

Well my friends it seems my friend might be right. A few weeks ago I listened to him "testify" to his beliefs that we are swiftly approaching the "End Times" or the "Rapture" if you will. His evidence on the manner was: Afghanistan, Iraq, September 11th, Earthquakes, Famines, Floods etc. Now I am a thinking man; I am also a spiritual man, so I listened and thought about what he had to say about such things and reserved my judgements.

HE WAS RIGHT.... I am posting because I am Shanghai-ed at my place of employment by an 10 foot high wall of water rolling down what is normally a VERY VERY dry creek bed. Further complicating my life and myself from getting to the damned hotel room where I have to stay. I am staying in a hotel room because the construction people never gave me an honest answer and so they are 1-2 weeks behind schedule on fixing my house.

Add this bad luck to the ordeal of getting my brother moved across the country from Jamaica Plains, (just outside Boston) to Mayer, Arizona (tiny town about 73 miles north of Phoenix). All of this combined has led me to believe that my friend was 100% correct. Personally I hope of the 4 horsemen, War gets me. I mean they are all gonna destroy you, so Death is no biggy. However, Pestilence/Disease just sucks. In that boat too is Famine; nobody likes to starve to death. So in summation when the apocolypse comes; I wan't to just fall on a land mine, or get a bomb to the eye. Quick, refreshing, easy.

LIZA MANELLI?! YES

2004-12-28T13:52:00.000-08:00

Apparently Liza Manelli suffered a head injury the other day. Shame nobody can notice. The prevailing word on the street is that the head trauma was in-utero. For all you non-wordsy types: Judy Garland probably threw herself down the stairs at the thought of giving birth to Liza Manelli. Supposedly she rolled over and "fell" out of bed. Obviously somebody woke up, looked over and decided she wasn't even worth the trouble of gnawing their arm off. It is this "journalist's" opinion that she was kicked out of bed, and possibly even "bricked". Anywho for the actual particulars check out the title link. It will tell you all you never gave a damn to know.

Lunch Quotes

2004-12-28T13:34:00.000-08:00

What is it about Lunch that brings out the finest quotes from an otherwise mundane day? Is it the Maxwell House French Roast that someone else made? Or, is it the $10 Hamburger that was worth the Depression Era inflation? Must be the Beef. Anywho here are some amazing quotes:

"You wanna go to Petaluma's and get one of those fag/mini pizzas?"
The Old Man

"Spending Money on women is nothing new, and by the time you are finished
you're so ugly...."
A-Non-Amos

"Ugly? Christ you spend money on women even when you are dead...Its called
Life Insurance"
The Hoss

My first efforts

2004-12-28T11:45:00.000-08:00

I'm not a pig, I know nothing of SolarPCs, and I don't watch CNBC. I'm just posting here because I can.

Oh, and I just graduated college.

I am a PIG, and I am PROUD

2004-12-28T01:32:00.000-08:00

There is no denying it; I am a pig. I fell asleep, then woke up. (Deep stuff, huh) Regardless of that, I woke up hungry and had to feed myself. I stumbled to the kitchen where the only snack was a bag of Chips A-Hoy or such. I sized up the opponent, then tore into it, finding its tasty cookie innards. Much to my sadness, the cookies were hard even by Chips A-Hoy standards. My resolve was weakened, and I retreated. In my semi-catatonic state I had a flashback to PBS. In seconds the cookie bag exploded into a crumbs, shreds, and chips with chants of "ME LOVE COOKIE!!!!!" echoing off the walls. Cookie Monster = 1 , Sub-Standard Cookie = 0
In spirit of the incredible victory of the Coalition of the Willing, please send your support to the link.
http://www.island-of-freedom.com/satire/cookie.htm

Solar PC's You say?

2004-12-27T23:59:00.000-08:00

Shamelessly ripped from the opinion "presses" of MSNBC.com
( I feel no guilt Mr. Gates).

"If SolarPC's were the standard PC in the US every year it would result in the saving of more than 138 million barrels of imported oil, prevent 25 million tons of carbon dioxide emissions and landfills would have a reduction of more than 100 tons of e-waste!" How many SUVs does that equal? P.S. e-waste??

A Solar PC you say? how excellent! How sensitive! I would love one...except it took my nice laptop 1.5 hours to charge up ( I had a big battery), with 120 volt, 60 hertz alternating current Electricity. Basically the same socket that powers your TV, VCR etc. Now, I will admit in my youth I was an idiot, and I stuck my friend's hand into the socket, and well he didn't turn out so well. So my question is: Have you ever seen a solar anything that packs the same punch as the wall socket? I did see a solar car do 55mph, but the solar cell cost more than most houses. The point being, this is a good idea; I just dont want to have to carry a beach umbrella sized solar panel around my house or around to town to find good sunlight so I can play Lemmings un-interrupted.

Mornings with CNBC

2004-12-27T23:34:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning in Quincy, Mass. I do not remember how or why. However, I woke up to CNBC. The talking financial heads were discussing the headlines for the morning: the importance of Wal-Mart, Amazon.com's incredible sales feat and of course 22,500 dead in Asia. The topic of Insurance naturally came up. These $$$$ gurus said the US insurance industry shouldn't be affected really by this unmitigated disaster. The line used was "low exposure." Translation: Too Poor to afford food, much less insurance. Thank you Squawk Box for adding humor to my morning coffee.